I finally feel free.
I moved on June 27th, and I really feel like a whole new person. I’ve decided that this is going to be The Summer of Me, and I’m going to have my cake and eat it, too. Because I said so. And I owe it to myself. But really, who doesn’t? I think everyone should do what makes them happy but so often people get swept up by the ideas about who and what they should be instead of going along with what they feel. Anyway.
I feel like I’ve lived more in the past few weeks than I have in years. There’s always something to do, somewhere to go, or someone around who wants to have a good conversation. I’m having fun, and that’s really the only thing that matters to me right now. I think moving to this place was the best thing that could’ve happened to me. I still get plenty of alone time, but I also have good company when I want it and a nice place to stay. It definitely beats sitting in a tiny 400 square foot studio by myself trying to figure out what to cook for dinner while Gatsby chases his tail. Oh, and Gatsby is in heaven at the new place, and everyone seems to love him – which makes me incredibly happy.
This change has made me really think more about what I want in life. I know that there’s law school in the horizon, along with a family, career, goals, ideas. But at least for the next few months, I’m just concerning myself with what I want to do at any given moment.
I know right now the main thing I truly want is to be myself again, which is more trying than I originally expected. It’s been so long since I’ve been down this road. I know who I want to be. I know for the most part who I am. But allowing myself to get back to those two very close points is a different story. I’m so used to just gliding through as Person X – whoever I thought I was expected to be. Soul searching isn’t easy. I don’t pretend to have it all figured out, but I’m giving it a shot anyway. I’m a complicated person even though I enjoy simple things, though I do sometimes have difficulty verbalizing thoughts and ideas simply because it’s been SO long since I’ve had the opportunity and an open ear.
Before now, every time I thought of something that I thought was interesting or would open up a debate, I was shut down because it was thought to be a boring topic or was something I couldn’t fix, so there was no use in “complaining” about it. How can one tell if something can’t be fixed if one knows nothing about it? Of course nothing will be fixed if the situation is never discussed.
Instead of fighting, I would just usually gave up. Why? There’s a fine line between being that passionate nut job and someone who’s trying to maintain an intelligent discussion. And sometimes I acquiesce for the sake of saving time and energy that would otherwise be wasted on someone who doesn’t care. Unfortunately, that might be the worst time to cave in. Regardless, I want to stop giving in for the sake of making things easy. I don’t want to end up in that place again.
So I’m just going to look forward to a summer filled with snowcones, friends, music, movies, and hopefully an adventure or two.
